Realizing God's Love...
“911… This is God speaking… What’s your emergency?”
My thoughts wondered to, “God? Could this really be you that I am speaking to?” This voice was powerful and somehow familiar… Like something that’s been there all my life but I had never really listened to.
I cried out, “Help… please help! I just can’t do this on my own God… I can’t handle this on my own!”
“You are going to have to calm down if I am going to help you.” Though I wasn’t convinced that this was God, something in the words that were being spoken kept me on the line. Surprisingly my heart rate was slowing down, and I began feeling strangely more relaxed.
My next thoughts proceeded to dementia. “Yeah, that’s it,” I thought. “That would explain me hearing this voice in my mind.” And even though I considered this as insanity, my conversation continued, “Calm down? How on earth do you expect me to calm down? My life is falling apart and I am in a lot of pain here… Can’t you send some kind of rescue NOW?”
“Missy, I understand you are in pain, but I am asking you that if you want that pain to go away and NOW, you must be willing to trust me… Can you do that for me?” The tone in this voice carried with it such authority, and without knowing exactly how or why, I began feeling a comfort and peace.
“Yes God, I can trust you, but how did…”
“How did I know it was you, Missy? Don’t you know? I’ve known you from the beginning. Have you not learned from my Word that I know all of your thoughts, I know the desires of your, I know what brings you joy, sorrow, and pain?” God’s voice sounded so sorrowed and He proceeded to ask, “And do you not know the good I want for you?”
Shamefully I knew the questions being asked by God weren’t really questions. They were statements that echoed, “You have not learned from my Word”.
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It’s not always easy doing what God is urging you in your heart to do. More times than not, I have turned away from Him when He has nudged me, and there was a time in my life that I didn’t recognize my Father’s voice. I can see now that all of the experiences of my life were leading to me recognizing Him in this moment.
This was the type of Christian I once was. In emergency situations (relationship issues, a sick child, needing new tires, life…), I called on God, but only because things had gotten way beyond my control. But if life was rolling along good, God was on a shelf in my home instead of walking around with me… or He was in the back seat of my car when I should have been letting Him drive. I can’t even fathom who this person was in me to be so arrogant; to think that she could guide her own life better than God could. “I” had a plan for my life, it was good; “I” was in control- or so I thought. It’s strange to think that this is who I was. I look in the mirror and still see a blurry image of that girl.
It’s scary to think this girl will always reside inside of me- a broken fragment of her at least. She holds on to all the mistakes she has made in life and asks, “God, are you sure that you can forgive me?” At times, pain and hurt still grasp at her heart’s strings as the person I am now is trying to cling to hope and God’s love, grace, and mercy. I am not even sure when the transition from being a girl with little faith and many insecurities began to transform into a woman of love and confidence in the Lord.
Now I will admit that these “life’s a mess moments” were a frequent part of my past. But this time, THIS time, something was different. God was speaking to me and guiding me through our conversation. I knew the answers to His questions and knew the intentions behind them. God was making a point. There are two distinct thoughts I can recall thinking in that moment. First, I can remember thinking to myself, “Wow! So, this is what it’s like to know God.” And the second would be that I thought to myself, “Wow! He has had this planned all along.”
There is a freedom in this. I am confident that my wonderful Father loves me so much and He has hopes and dreams for me. He provides all good things for me when I am faithful, obedient, and loving Him with all of my heart, strength, and soul.
The only part of this that seemed a little fuzzy to me would be, “God, when did you start working on me?” And oddly enough, I think I know what He would say on that one too. But in all reality, I am actually asking, “Why did my life have to get so hard?” And somehow, I know the answer would be-that it was for me to come to love God so much, rely on Him alone, and to serve Him.
There’s no wonder why I ask, “Who am I that the Lord would choose me to do any of His work?” If I had to play it out in recovery, it would sound something like, “Hi. My name is Missy. I’m a repeat sinner.” And everyone, in unison, would say, “Hi Missy!” And at that point I would begin sharing what those sins were and the consequences of those in my life. I would share how this has brought me closer to God.
My confession might include the events of any day. This morning alone, I have gone from waking up in a powerful prayer time with a dear friend of mine that is undergoing chemo… to the anger and frustration of a mom that has children not putting on their shoes, one of whom didn’t brush his teeth before we left our home… making me have to turn around for hygiene sake…, running late to a meeting at my boys schools, and someone taking my parking space at work… I lashed out with unkind words and a look on my face that did not display the love that a mother should be showing. The day has just begun. I still have 70 children to teach today and many coworkers that will be witness and privy to my reactions. I still have selfishness, harsh words, hypocrisy, anger, rejection- and only God knows what else still to go in my day.
The greatest part of all of this is that God has given us instructions on how to handle life. He is the Word and His Word is true. It is available to us all. Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be open to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” This is simple. The part that we struggle with in the flesh is following Matthew 7:24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.” I will continue to have tug or wars with this; sometimes I will succeed and sometimes I will not.
There is comfort even in those moments when I am weak and I fail, because I know that nothing will separate me from the love of my Father. Romans 8:38-39… “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” This is that freedom that each of us have to live for God… imperfectly refining ourselves in Jesus Christ’s image, and nothing separating us from His love.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for loving me in all of my imperfections. Thank you for allowing me to strive to grow in your image. Father, it is your promise that nothing can separate me from you. In my failures and in my iniquities, I can rejoice in knowing that you love me unconditionally.
Amen
Missy Stafford
