This one’s for the girls…
“Are you planning for the future or just being selective?” This was a question that came up recently. Of course, the conversation was regarding my dating life… what little there is of one. At this stage of being single, I think all of you can relate to this. We are all in our mid thirty’s or older, we feel that we don’t have time to waste, and we don’t want to compromise on the “bigger issues” in life.
Just what are the “bigger issues”? I suppose each of us has to decide what those are for ourselves, but I want to share with you what I feel is the biggest issue… GOD. Regardless of what relationship I am forming in my life, I do not want to neglect or reject my relationship with God. Now, many would say, “Great. You don’t have to.” But, I disagree. Relationships that we allow into our lives can pull us closer to or further away from our time, our dedication, and our walk with the Lord.
Some of you who actually read these “reflections” may be thinking that this sounds like a topic we’ve pondered before. You are right, but I think from time to time we end up taking another look at our lives, wondering if we are on the right track, wondering if we are being stubborn and unyielding, or asking ourselves if we should compromise what we feel is right for us. Reevaluation begins, and that’s where I am at right now.
I was told, “Missy, you are being too picky, you can’t foresee every scenario that will cause a bump in the road, and there is no such thing as the fairytale relationship.” I agree with all of that. I’m not even trying to dispute any one of those facts. However, I do believe in, what I like to call, the “twisted” fairytale. And I hope that you do too.
In this fairytale, I accept that my future mate might snore, leave the toilet seat up, have some ridiculous hobby that I loathe, or is not be able to tell a joke to save his life. In those times, I will roll him over in his sleep, fall in the toilet and throw a fit, spend a Saturday doing something that I have no interest in just to spend time with him, and pretend to laugh at those lame jokes as I roll my eyes. In this fairytale, he will also hold my hand, like to take long strolls, enjoy picnics in the park, like playing with my hair, and he will treat me like I am the most valuable treasure in his life (that part would be great). That’s what I foresee. I will take the good and pray it’s really good; I will take the bad as long as it’s not really bad; and hopefully somewhere between the two we will find something that not only sticks, but will be something we both don’t want to see our lives without. Sappy stuff, I know… but let’s face it… you want it to.
But what about the “what if’s”? This is where it gets tricky. What if early on, in the relationship, you ask questions pertaining to his relationship with God? Be prepared. He might seem to be the best guy you’ve ever met, and you might not get the answers you had hoped for. I’ve heard, “I’m a Christian, but don’t attend church very often.” Or, “I go to church every weekend except during hunting season.” And I have been told, “I don’t go to church every weekend, but I watch church TV.” All of these responses can be justified and will be justified by him.
You will hear, “I pray to God in many places and don’t feel that you have to be in church to worship God,” or, “Some of my most spiritual moments have been when I am in a field at sunrise… you can see God all around,” and then there’s “Watching the preachers on TV is just as good for me and I don’t have to deal with the hypocrites in church.” Okay, this is where some of you maybe thinking these are okay and all valid points, but I disagree. I think these “justifications” are excuses for not doing what God has called us to do… worship and fellowship together.
You have to ask yourself, “Where am I in my walk with Christ?”, and “Will I want the man I spend my life with to walk with me?” Ladies, we have talked about this before. Draw a picture in your mind of the type of man you want in your life. Evaluate those qualities. For me, the answer to this question has come over the past year of my life. I want a man that will be a servant to God, seeks to serve in the house of the Lord, and is seeking to know God first in his life.
So, when do you start asking these questions? Shouldn’t you take the time to get to know someone slowly and develop a relationship before asking such potentially mind blowing questions? Maybe for you, yes. But for me, no, I want to know these things up front. One of my prayers, as I date, is “God, please reveal to me the relationship this person has with You early on. Allow me to see this so that I may make decisions that will honor my relationship with You.” And woe! He does just that. Whether I do the digging or its information that is thrown my way by a person’s behavior, I get the answers I need. We are all free to choose whatever path we take, but wouldn’t it be nice to have the big matters in life laid before us in order for us to make the path smoother for the road ahead? What happens if you ignore these concerns, fall in love, build a relationship, and then find out where “Joe Shmoe” stands on the bigger issues in life… and they don’t match up to yours?
I call it, “being bold for God”. I’ll be honest here… It’s scary and I don’t like the answers I end up. It’s frustrating and I want to pull my hair out. I meet a great guy; he’s smart, witty, intelligent, attractive, playful, and has the quirkiest ways that give me “that” feeling… you know the one I’m talking about… you get all tingly when the phone rings and you know it’s “Joe Smooth” calling. Its fun, enticing, exciting, and all together an electric feeling. And then, I have to go and ask “THE QUESTIONS”. This is a bummer. I feel let down, disappointed, and sometimes question God. You’ve asked this too, “Why God? Isn’t there just one man that you will give me the ‘thumbs-up’ on…Just one?” I can imagine God get’s this question from a lot of women, and He probably shakes His head at us…
Now, as I said, this goes out to the ladies. I’m not trying to tell you how to date or what you should do in your personal life. These are just reflective thoughts of the evaluation process that I go through when I am interested in someone. I am reading a book right now by Gary Friesen called Decision Making and the will OF GOD. The book gives four steps to allowing God’s hand in our lives to work. Basically it boils down to this. We must be obedient to God’s commands; if we cannot see that there is a command, we have free will to choose, and with that choice comes responsibility; use the Bible to seek wisdom; and trust God to keep his promises when we are living according to His will.
Ladies, God knows the desires of my heart… He knows the desires of your heart. His promises are good… 1 Chronicles 28:9 NKJV "As for you, my son Solomon, know the God of your father, and serve Him with a loyal heart and with a willing mind; for the LORD searches all hearts and understands all the intent of the thoughts. If you seek Him, He will be found by you; but if you forsake Him, He will cast you off forever.” So, you see, this is His promise… seek Him first and God will find favor with you. Even better is Psalms 37:4-5 NKJV “Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.”
My dating life is what it is… an occasional lunch or dinner here or there, an occasional meeting for coffee, and at times a second or third date is produced out of this. But for the most part, after the first or second meeting, I have gathered enough information to make choices that would honor God. Being human is difficult. At times I look over my shoulder and plead with God… “But God, this one… He’s so cute, got a great job, is nice, and he has a wonderful smile…” And all the while, God is shaking His head at me. Frustrating!
But consider the alternative. Settle. Settle for less than what God has put in my heart; settle for less than what He has put in yours. What does that picture look like?
Well, for starters, I now have the great guy with the winning smile, charm that could melt chocolate chips, and we are now living in my Barbie-family dream home… maybe his name isn’t Joe… maybe it’s Ken? Anyway, Ken isn’t at home very much. He’s probably out on the golf course on Sunday mornings, at the office working late nights, and there are rumors that he’s been seen with some chic named Secretary-Barbie. When he is at home there is little communication. He doesn’t talk to me, he ignores the children and the dog, and when he does pay us attention it’s only to complain about how unhappy he is. It’s a shame. If only I had listened to God.
Maybe this is an exaggeration, but consider the people of
Ladies, I’ve been down this road before; you’ve probably been down that same road… it’s lonely and desolate; it’s rocky and has too many hills; and you are vulnerable to many traps and snares along the way. But, if we are listening to God, following His commands, and using the wisdom He has given us from His Word, He will direct us on the paths we should go. Wouldn’t you think this would apply for our spouse as well? Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. At this point in my life, I find it crucial and absolutely essential to trust God. This means I trust God will fulfill the desires of my heart with His perfect love. This I will leave with all of you and hope that you will store it in your heart. We all are God’s treasures and He will provide for each of us…
"I guide you in the way of wisdom
And lead you along straight paths.
When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
When you run, you will not stumble.
Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
Guard it well, for it is your life.
The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
Shining ever brighter till the full light of day."
Proverbs 4:11-13;18 (NIV)
Love to all, Missy Stafford
